Some
people do abuse children in the name of "spanking", but real spanking is
never abusive. The "quick swat on the bottom," however may not be the best
answer either, as the child must be carefully made to understand why he
or she is being swatted or it is, again, abuse. One rule to follow, though
at times it may be difficult, is to NEVER punish your child in the heat
of anger. Don't hit him while you're mad, in other words. Always count
at least to ten and try to calm your own self down before administering
any sort of physical punishment.
I firmly believe the old saying
was right, "Spare the rod and spoil the child." The wise King Solomon also
held that view as can be seen in Proverbs 13:24 and 19:18. I will relate
a true, present day story later in this message in which a doting, loving
father, who did not believe in punishing his son came to serious grief
as the son did also. An important factor to always remember is that your
son or daughter may have many of the same attitudes that you had when you
were their present age. And other attitudes may be genetically inherited
from your spouse. So whatever corrective action you take, and you MUST
take some sort of corrective action because failure to do so indicates
to your child that you do not care and that their misdeed is acceptable
to you.
For some children, a look of disapproval
may be sufficient to obtain corrective action on the part of the child.
For others, the same offense may warrant several licks with a paddle or
a belt. Only you can tell how your own child responds and when you and
your spouse discuss later what happened, you should each think back to
when you were your child's age and try to discover why the child did what
he or she did and compare notes on how you would have responded to the
corrective action that you took with your child.
Would YOU have responded to your
parents the way you wanted your child to respond to you? Same question
for your spouse. If your response would have been rebellion or resistance,
what could your parents have done to get the desired response from you?
Why not try that on your child next time and don't be afraid to tell your
child that maybe your method this time was not the best but that your goal
in taking the corrective action was to help him or her grow into the young
man or young woman who will be proud of himself or herself and that you
and the other parent and all friends and relatives will be proud of. Your
goal in correction is to help the child achieve success in doing whatever
he or she sets his mind to.
As father to 10 and stepfather to
two, ranging in age from 47 years old to 9 months old twins and grandfather
to 10, I have a little personal basis |
from which to speak
with some degree of authority and also, as one who has devoted much of
my lifetime to studying successful families and those that were miserable,
with the firm determination to discover real facts and reject traditional
ideas that would not stand up to tests of solid evidence, I have additional
authority.
My recommendation to any loving
parent is to instruct the child as to what is right and what is wrong (this
will also reduce crimes like Columbine and the need for jails and police)
and then enforce that instruction with a warning for the first disobedience,
a mild punishment for the next violation of the rule, preceded by the parent
lovingly placing the child on his or her knee and having the child explain
why he or she must be punished and followed by a time of lovingly reminding
the child that you do not like to have to inflict pain on a little one
you love so much, but he or she simply MUST act right.
A stronger punishment should
be promised and followed through for the next time that offense is committed
with the before and after loving scenario and so on until the conduct is
corrected. There are two advantages to this type of discipline, because
while the parent is lovingly having the child explain why they must receive
corrective punishment, any anger the parent feels is having a "time-out"
as well as the child knowing "why". And the loving treatment after the
punishment should show the child that the parent is not rejecting him or
her because of the misconduct. This latter is often a problem when the
parent sends the child to his or her room as though angry, or sends them
to bed without food, etc. The result of overindulgent parents is the sad,
but true, case of a young Marine I once knew whose parents gave in to his
wishes and never permitted him to receive punishment for any wrongdoing
of any kind for any reason from anyone. Of course, he ran into conflict
with the strict discipline of the Marine Corps and then when he also tried
ripping off taxicab drivers and shoplifting from stores, he soon was in
serious trouble.
To make it short, he first spent
a specified period of time locked up in the "brig", then received an Undesirable
Discharge and when he went home, his loving, doting father soon was forced
to send him to a state mental hospital. A communication from the father
to the Marine prosecutor said, "You know, that preacher (me) was right.
I was wrong. I never allowed my son to suffer any consequences for his
misdeeds, and now he is really suffering from it." Yours for a Better America
and happier children.
So, as a parent, you MUST set rules
and boundaries that you are able to give your children a reasonable explanation
for and then to enforce those rules lovingly, carefully and with the best
interest of your child(ren) in mind.
-- S. M.
S.
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